Love in the Time of Layoff: Man Behind the Curtain

Note: Deborah Siegel was due to submit her post today, but her growing responsibilities in a rapidly developing venture have precluded her doing so. In other words— the twins are really kicking her ass. Despite being deep into the second trimester, her “morning sickness” hasn’t let up, and she is currently sitting up in bed with a cold compress on her fevered brow. She has thereby ceded the reins of “Love in the Time of Layoff” to me. You, dear reader know me as her house-husband, Her Man Godfrey, her Sancho Panza, her sometimes Bartleby. And now I’m honestly maybe a little too giddy with power. I am Marco.

Yes, I do exist… even as I eliminate the last traces of my existence in our little one-bedroom apartment.

I spent the afternoon yesterday dismantling my desk and bookcase and moving them out of our bedroom: we are staging our apartment yet again. It’s been on the market for months, and with a looming move to bigger digs in Park Slope we’ve redoubled our efforts to get it sold. New broker, new price, new priorities: we needed to let in more light and air, make the place roomier. It became obvious that my office away from work, my study and refuge from a crazy world, my anchor, was doomed. Into the boxes with my design books, my graphic novels and old Tarzan pulps. Reality beckoned…

Love in the Time of Layoff: First Money, Then Love

They say you’re never supposed to talk about money, but in the recession, it’s kind of hard not to. Despite a growing savings rate, there has been massive income loss and a dramatic devaluing or even obliteration of assets. For a lot of us, money is forefront and ever-present on our minds.

But should you bring it up in relationships? Absolutely, say CPAs, therapists, love coaches and relationship experts. In marriages, money has always been the number one cause of tension, regardless of whether we’re rolling in it or dining on Ramen noodles…

Love in the Time of Layoff: Money, Money, Money Talk

Carol M. knew she had a good thing in her boyfrirend, Eric. But earlier this year, when she lost her job as a schoolteacherand faced default on her subprime loan, it showed her just how caring and committed he was.

“We recently talked about being in a relationship, and one of the benefits of being in a relationship is you have someone on your side no matter what,” she says. “We sit down and we talk about things. Last week we talked about having to file for bankruptcy.”

Talking about money with a significant other can be a painful, awkward situation—especially when you’re in a dating phase. You’d think it would be easier in good times, but some are saying that the downturn has made it easier to both talk about finances and to learn about a significant other’s situation. Money is top of mind for many of us and a common topic of conversation. If someone is furloughed, laid off or had a salary slashed, their relationship to money becomes more apparent…

Love in the Time of Layoff: The Changing Hearts & Minds of Men

This morning my husband Marco got up early to buy me eggs before my morning sickness kicked in. Before he got laid off, such an errand would have caused him strife. When he had to show up somewhere on time, anything that deviated from the norm of morning routine could throw him off. But this morning was different. This morning, Marco had a reverie buying me eggs.

“I got to the store on the corner before it opened,” he came back and explained, his voice all quiet and calm. “So I walked around for a while in the hazy rain. And when I came back and picked up the eggs, I thought of where they came from. I thought of the farm.”

“The farm?” I asked, plucking two eggs from their carton in a rush to cook them and get them in me quickly before I threw up. We live in busy Manhattan. Even the closest farmer’s market is a few subway stops away.

“Yeah, the farm. I felt part of that cycle of farm life where you get up before dawn because you have to get some things done before everyone else wakes up. I felt part of some kind of more natural work life cycle. I felt part of that somehow just looking at these eggs.”…

Love in the Time of Layoff: Bankers Are to 2007 as ________ Are to 2009

Last week we found ourselves on a two woman bar tour, consisting of just ourselves. We were flitting between two groups of guys, one group was at Spitzer’s and another across the street at ‘inoteca. After a glass of wine and some assorted cheeses at ‘inoteca, we would dash to Spitzer’s to chow on truffle mac and cheese with some Aussies. Had we not been so amused by our own antics, we would have gone home pleading a ‘breakfast meeting,’ well that and the cutie in a suit stationed in the doorway of Spitzer’s, who had been frantically blackberrying for the better part of an hour. So stoic was his demeanor that we just had to dub him the Downtown Centurion. One of us and we won’t say who (we do write for Dating a Banker Anonymous) was about to make her fourth entrance of the night when the Downtown Centurion deigned to speak to her. She had taken to switching up her hair and taking off her leather jacket that was “totally giving her street cred” every time she switched locations.

Downtown Centurion: You forgot to take your hair down.

DABA Girl (smooth): Huh?

Downtown Centurion (eyes still on BlackBerry): You’ve been taking your hair down and putting your jacket on every time, you come in. Don’t mess up your flow now. Although personally, I’d be interested in seeing the jacket off and hair down combo, but maybe you’re saving that for later?…

Love in the Time of Layoff: 5 Dating Tips for the Recession

First dates at Le Cirque and second dates in St. Barth’s are out (for me, and maybe you, they were never in, but you get the point). Everyone’s feeling pressure on their wallets, and so for a lot of folks, that means pressure on the dating budget. What are the dating experts advocating in the downturn?

Mainly: Be cheap and be wary. Be very wary.

We don’t really agree with the sentiment of “being cheap” – no one should blow their wad on a few casual dates, of course, but a relationship is an investment and “being cheap” might not be a great way to start. But who are we to say?

Here’s how the pros see it:

* Curb your dating. According to dating expert David Wygant, there are some compulsive daters out there…

Love in the Time of Layoff: The Fortune Within

“Snake eyes!” said the doctor, rubbing the ultrasound wand back and forth and rotating the monitor so that both my husband Marco and I could see. I had no idea what he meant, but apparently Marco got it right away.

“Holy shit!” said my mild-mannered husband, whose freedom to accompany me to all the appointments was the upside of his having been canned earlier this year.

“What!” I asked, feeling left out and propping my head up to get a better view.

“Twins,” the doctor translated. “There are two of them in there.”

If Marco’s response was the grounded one, mine was whimsical. I burst into peels of hysterical, uncontrollable, womb-rocking laughter.

Snake eyes, I learned later, is what you say when you’re playing craps and you roll two ones. The pair of pips resembles a pair of eyes, and snakes signal treachery and betrayal. When you roll snake eyes, the lowest possible roll, the implication is that you might lose. But in this case, we had won.

Love in the Time of Layoff: Cheap Date

Twice, my friend Susan (I have changed some names and identifiers) found herself covering for a date who was short on cash. On the first date. At the end of one of them, there was even a humiliating walk to an ATM machine, where he handed her precisely his half and thanked her for a nice evening. Susan was mortified.

I would be too, and obviously so should those guys. Being cheap (or disorganized) is not unusual in the annals of dating, but it seems like some people are using the recession as cover for skimping out…

Love in the Time of Layoff: Recession Killed My Romance

Twenty-three years after they broke up, Lesa and Ken embarked on a new romance from different corners of the country. On a whim, Ken had entered his college sweetheart’s name into Google – and discovered Lesa was living in Portland, Oregon. He was living in Avon Park, Florida. Between the two of them, they had lived through divorce, spousal death, children and heart attack. Despite the distance, the sparks were still there.

As their relationship grew stronger over two years of visiting, talking, emailing and Skyping, they made plans to move in together – in December 2008, he was to pack up and join her in Oregon.

At the same time, the economic clouds were moving in. The job market was getting worse in a hurry. Meanwhile, Lesa’s ten years as a social worker for the state of Oregon gave her security and stability there (somewhat – Oregon’s unemployment rate is 12.5% and states are not exactly guaranteeing employment…

Love in the Time of Layoff: Is Recession Good for Sex?

According to an article in Forbes this week, the answer is yes. Writes Susan Adams, “Layoffs, furloughs and shrinking 401(k)s may not seem like natural aphrodisiacs, but according to experts in relationships and sex, the depressed financial picture is leading some couples—and singles—to better appreciate each other.”

I’m with the psychologist quoted in the article who notes that it’s way too early for empirical studies, that it takes years to compile a meaningful picture of how the downturn has affected intimacy. But just for fun, let’s apply the myriad hypotheses based on anecdotal evidence to the love lab of my relationship for a minute and see.