Love in the Time of Layoff: Back to Work

Last month, my husband Marco subbed for me here, since I was too busy throwing up to write a post. This month, the nausea has at last subsided and I’ve got lots to say.

The start-up I’ve helped launch has taken off, and Marco has freelance work again. His new gig starts this week. (Let’s hear it for the latest news about the economy!) While you’d think I’d be ecstatic about my partner going back to work, relieving me of sole breadwinner duties, I’m mixed. It’s been a blessing having him at home cooking meals, unpacking boxes, helping me get through the day. He set up my desk and I’ve been happily working from home, feet up on the radiator to relieve the constant swelling, but I’ve become something I never thought I, a woman who prides herself on her independence, would become in this particular relationship: clingy. When we’re home together, I don’t even like to be in separate rooms…

Love in the Time of Layoff: The Changing Hearts & Minds of Men

This morning my husband Marco got up early to buy me eggs before my morning sickness kicked in. Before he got laid off, such an errand would have caused him strife. When he had to show up somewhere on time, anything that deviated from the norm of morning routine could throw him off. But this morning was different. This morning, Marco had a reverie buying me eggs.

“I got to the store on the corner before it opened,” he came back and explained, his voice all quiet and calm. “So I walked around for a while in the hazy rain. And when I came back and picked up the eggs, I thought of where they came from. I thought of the farm.”

“The farm?” I asked, plucking two eggs from their carton in a rush to cook them and get them in me quickly before I threw up. We live in busy Manhattan. Even the closest farmer’s market is a few subway stops away.

“Yeah, the farm. I felt part of that cycle of farm life where you get up before dawn because you have to get some things done before everyone else wakes up. I felt part of some kind of more natural work life cycle. I felt part of that somehow just looking at these eggs.”…

Love in the Time of Layoff: The Fortune Within

“Snake eyes!” said the doctor, rubbing the ultrasound wand back and forth and rotating the monitor so that both my husband Marco and I could see. I had no idea what he meant, but apparently Marco got it right away.

“Holy shit!” said my mild-mannered husband, whose freedom to accompany me to all the appointments was the upside of his having been canned earlier this year.

“What!” I asked, feeling left out and propping my head up to get a better view.

“Twins,” the doctor translated. “There are two of them in there.”

If Marco’s response was the grounded one, mine was whimsical. I burst into peels of hysterical, uncontrollable, womb-rocking laughter.

Snake eyes, I learned later, is what you say when you’re playing craps and you roll two ones. The pair of pips resembles a pair of eyes, and snakes signal treachery and betrayal. When you roll snake eyes, the lowest possible roll, the implication is that you might lose. But in this case, we had won.

Love in the Time of Layoff: Is Recession Good for Sex?

According to an article in Forbes this week, the answer is yes. Writes Susan Adams, “Layoffs, furloughs and shrinking 401(k)s may not seem like natural aphrodisiacs, but according to experts in relationships and sex, the depressed financial picture is leading some couples—and singles—to better appreciate each other.”

I’m with the psychologist quoted in the article who notes that it’s way too early for empirical studies, that it takes years to compile a meaningful picture of how the downturn has affected intimacy. But just for fun, let’s apply the myriad hypotheses based on anecdotal evidence to the love lab of my relationship for a minute and see.

Love in the Time of Layoff: Coming Home Again

On Tuesday, my husband found out that his freelance work with the firm that picked him up three days after the Layoff is now drying up. Yesterday was his first day “back” at home.

“So, does this make you, like, laid off times two?” I asked in a lame appeal to mask my panic with humor.

“Nah, it’s much better,” he said. I asked him to explain.

Turns out, there are Layoffs and there are layoffs. Technically, of course, this latest downsizing of my beloved doesn’t count as a layoff at all, since Marco hadn’t been on staff at that firm. When his supervisor told him there was no more work for him right now, there was no sense of betrayal, no dark questioning (why me? why not him or her?), nothing personal. Other freelancers had been slowly disappearing. He knew things had been winding down.

Love in the Time of Layoff: A Security of Her Own

I’ve always harbored an entrepreneurial impulse. With Marco still freelancing a few months post-layoff, and with dreams of starting that family underway, I’m starting to plan. And plan big. The nester in me craves a far steadier financial environment in which to raise our imaginary kids. Sure, I wish financial stability would just drop in my lap, but that dream is about as realistic as the stork.

I’m starting to realize that, given our respective industries, if financial stability is going to happen any time soon, it might be up to me.
The entrepreneurial itch and I go way back. While still in graduate school in the late 1990s, I took a leave of absence and followed the siren call of the tech boom. I put dissertation writing on hold and went to work as a content strategist for a start up in Silicon Alley. While the start up tanked, it was a good effort. I learned much. I like to think of that period as this English major’s MBA.

Love in the Time of Layoff: Her Expendable Career

Those who read this column know that I’ve been writing very personally about how the downturn has affected my relationship. In all honesty, I’m starting to fear that by focusing on what’s happening inside relationships, we may be losing sight of larger contexts—what could and should be happening in the structures that govern our lives.

Whoever invented the notion that a wife who earns less than her husband has a career that is, by definition, “expendable”? The ubiquity of this sentence—“she has an expendable career”—was brought home to me once again when I read Diane Clehane’s “Recession Marriage Wars” in yesterday’s Daily Beast…

Love in the Time of Layoff: Of Uncertain Times

Last week marked the two-month anniversary since my dear husband got the axe. A lot can happen in two months’ time. We canceled a family pilgrimage to Puerto Rico and put the apartment up for sale. Marco quit the gym. Our cat died. We both have gained some weight, but other than that, we’re actually doing okay. Fat but happy, I like to say, with a roof over our heads (for now). We’ve got our love to keep us warm.

The other day, Marco came home from a day of freelancing feeling blue. I tried the usual—kissing it away—but no go. “You don’t like it when I’m moody,” he said. “I’m going to be moody sometimes.”

Love in the Time of Layoff: Learning from the Ladies

Four women, four generations, and four love relationships, each one affected differently by the downturn:

Gloria Feldt, age 67, decided with husband Alex to sell their apartment and stick to lowest risk investments despite low yields in order to protect their retirement.

Elizabeth Hines, age 33 and partnered with Jessica, watches her 8-month-pregnant belly rise as the Dow falls.

Courtney Martin, age 29 and living with longtime beau Nik, is already accustomed to income fluctuation. She freelances and has never had a “real” job.

And then there’s me: 40, married to my laid-off Marco, learning at midlife to weather an economic storm.

Biological Clocks Don’t Stop for Recession

When Marco got laid off in January, friends who knew of our family-launching plans asked us whether we’d continue or put things on hold. I just turned 40. Marco is seven years older than me. Our biological clocks are not in sync with the dipping of the Dow.

Sure, it occurred to us for half a second that this might not be the wisest time to be spending my grandmother’s inheritance on fertility treatments not covered by health insurance, but it’s expensive to adopt, too. And we really, really want a child.