The Unemployed Life

Making Lists in the Downturn

They say successful people make lists. What do you want out of life and how are you going to get it? What are your top qualities? Who are you valuable to and why? Yada yada. What happens when lists aren’t all about doing things right? We look at six lists and find out.

Number One Reason Why I Won’t Get a Job, According to My (__________)
(Mom) Eye Contact

(Brother) Eye Contact

(Girlfriend) Lack of Ambition and Willingness to Fail

(Dad) Eye Contact

(Grandmother) Eye Contact, and you have such bee-you-tiful eyes Andrew you really do, I always told you…

(Self) The Economy

(Potential Employer) Eye Contact

Things I Learned While Unemployed

• What the top play of the week is
• Who wants to be a millionaire
• Who the father is, and what he has to say about it
• What’s coming up this week on Regis and Kelly
• What time the mailman actually comes

Ways to Get Sacked

• Two for one at Home Depot
• Eat all of the peanuts
• Find a gap in the offensive line
• Kidnap Santa
• Flirt with the boss’s daughter

Color Descriptions of My Go-To Interview “Power Tie”

• Capable Crimson
• Steadfast Scarlet
• Big Bonus Burgundy
• Resolute Ruby
• Busy Beaver Blush
• Magnanimous Magenta
• Eyes-on-the-Prize Puce
• Veritable Vermilion
• Red with Coffee Stain

Tom Swift Lays You Off
“We run a tight ship here at Derby and Derby’s Demolition Co. TNT is getting expensive, and we need TNT. We don’t need you,” said Tom dynamically.

“No one hires painters in a recession,” Tom easily said.

“You’re just not as sharp as you used to be,” Tom said, bluntly.

“Some people aren’t meant to work in the ice cream business,” said Tom bitterly.

“I’m sorry to do this to you because you’re valuable. You are valuable. I know you’ll find another place,” said Tom down-sizingly.

“Funerals aren’t cheap, and it doesn’t take a well-paid man to dig a hole,” Tom said gravely.

“Get off your high horse,” Tom said quixotically.

“You’re the best surgeon we have, and you’re also the most inflated salary,” said Tom heartlessly.

“It was either keep you on board or Franklin, and we both know how hard of a worker Franklin is,” Tom said like the jerk he is.

Resume Fonts: Dos and Don’ts
Do: Times New Roman
Don’t: Comic Sans
Do: Forte
Don’t: Lucida Handwriting
Do: Vivaldi
Don’t: Poor Richard
Do: Poor Richard Wide
Don’t: Wingdings 2

Tags: humor