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36 Hours in Philadelphia: Recession Edition

Every so often, the New York Times publishes a travel feature called “36 Hours in —-,” featuring a weekend-long itinerary for a specific city. We think they may have missed a few things in the recession – a look at Philadelphia, for one.

When Ben Franklin first arrived in Philadelphia, he only carried a spare change of clothes and a loaf of bread under each arm. If being poor in Philly is good enough for America’s Founding Father, it’s good enough for you. It would be so much fun to see Independence Hall, or the Philadelphia Museum of Art, an Eagles game or even a skyscraper, but we’re going to be responsible about our vacation and stick to West Philadelphia, home of row houses, the Market-Frankford Line and some of the most dangerous street corners this side of midnight.

Friday
12:30 p.m.
Brunch
You can never wake up too late in West Philly. Be sure to make your down the street, any street, to find a restaurant with a rusted red sign that you can’t read. A male’s first name was probably once painted on it with the possessive or without, like “Bobby’s” or “Richard.” Order some scrapple (traditional mush of pork scrap, trimmings, cornmeal and flour), and because you are in the birthplace of Tastykake®, get that scrapple with a side of Butterscotch Krimpet® to go. Take a squat on the curb and eat your meal while eyeing the man to your left, who is currently eyeing you. Don’t offer him a bite because he’ll probably ask for the whole thing.

1:15 p.m. – 7:00 p.m.
Row Houses
Walk around to burn off all that hydrogenated corn double dextrose and make your way to some row houses. Choose one and imagine the underprivileged yet hilarious life of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air before he moves to Bel-Air. Think about a fictional joke he might make about his big ears or the pros and cons of charter schools, and laugh to yourself because laughter is free. Continue to walk and generally drift until you get hungry enough for dinner.

7:00 p.m.
Cheesesteak
While it might be cute to take a trip downtown and make it to Pat’s or Geno’s famous cheesesteak establishments, they’re like $7.50, not even including transport. Find a local place but not one with lights in the window – that just adds to overhead. Order a cheesesteak, but make sure to say you heard about the place from Quin, with one n, and it will be like $4.00 max. Get home before it gets dark. Mom always said nothing good happens after midnight, and nothing good happens in West Philadelphia after 8:00.

Saturday
12:30 p.m.
More Tastykake® and Screaming Religious Fanatic
Wake up, go into some bright yellow restaurant with a silver crown painted above the door. Their Tastykake® are unexplainably twenty cents cheaper than anywhere else. This time try a Koffee Cupcake®. Please try to pay in coins (just trust me). Walk out of the silver crowned restaurant and fail to avoid eye contact with the screaming man with a scepter, a bible and a gold painted moustache. Have him tell you, in broken English, about the accumulation of your sins from this life and past, and how only one man can redeem your soul. Be wary about walking away because the scepter looks sharp or else heavy. Wait until he gets tired, loses consciousness, or finds a soul more scarred than your own and make your way to the nearest trolley stop. Take a trolley up a few blocks (being careful to touch as little surface area as possible) and walk/drift back for a few hours.

4:30 p.m.
Getting Out of West Philadelphia
Get to the train station. Get aboard the wrong train because the South Eastern Pennsylvania Transit Authority has a fondness for using the same name for opposite lines, get off when you realize your mistake, take a different train back to your original station, and then finally take the right train home. You made it.

Tags: humor, travel