The Unemployed Life

Why Daddy Has Time to Eat Fruity Pebbles Till Noon

As a kid, I always hated it when my parents spelled out words they didn’t want me to hear. Back then it was b-e-d-t-i-m-e, or g-r-u-m-p-y. Now it’s words you won’t even need to spell. B-e-r-n-a-n-k-e. C-r-i-p-p-l-i-n-g U-n-e-m-p-l-o-y-m-e-n-t.

Why bring little Timmy or Madeline out of their world of ice cream and action figures and into your world of calling that guy you played club soccer with in college to see if his management consulting firm has any entry-level positions to fill? How to explain, or not explain, the recession to your children:

Newborns to Two-Year-Olds

They shouldn’t even be speaking. Buy the store-brand baby food and don’t say a word.

Three-Year-Olds to Seven-Year-Olds

The best strategy may be to make your indefinite unemployment seem positive. Your Tonka truck-nibbling monster will certainly be lost in the swirl of terms anyway.

“Dow Jones.”

“401k.”

“Overqualified.”

These words might as well by synonyms for apple sauce.

Unlike Fred Flintstone, you explain, the Bedrock citizen who adorns the box of your child’s favorite cereal and who works as a Bronto Crane Operator, you don’t technically have a job. But this means you have more time to bounce the little critter on your knee as you welcome the day with Joy Behar and the cast of The View. Yabba-Dabba-Doo!

Eight-Year-Olds to Thirteen-Year-Olds

They are getting smarter, they are catching on to things. You can no longer hide your secret stash of Oreos in the same place. They’re starting to suspect Rover didn’t get shipped to Nebraska for the Omaha Puppies and Cats Festival of Cheer. And they finally realize that you don’t have their nose; it’s just your thumb between your pointer and middle fingers. Bummer: you can’t lie any longer. But you can divert. Divert, divert, divert.

Why aren’t we going to Martha’s Vineyard this year? That’s a funny question, Rachel. Uh oh, is that a pimple?
Go ask mom.

Wow Danny! You want to get some new kicks? That’s rad! Also. I hear Coach Mikutis is making some serious cuts this season, maybe you should take some swings in the garage. Let’s get that power up, champ!

Fourteen-Year-Olds to Seventeen-Year Olds

They shouldn’t even be speaking. Buy the store-brand hot pockets and don’t say a word.

The College Years

Yes, college in the sixties/seventies was wild, you tell your children. And yes, Animal House was an accurate portrayal of your time as an undergraduate. Watch the movie with your children and point out how much good-natured, low-budget fun the main characters seem to be having. Haha! Look at Bluto peeing outside! Or, Hehe! How funny is it that the horse died? Public urination is free, you explain. A horse dying brings no economic burden on the household, you make clear. Eating bland, colorless cafeteria food is about the experience. Give them a hug, a heartfelt bon voyage, and tearfully recommend various campus jobs.

The Post-Grad Years

Tell them if they don’t find a job soon, they can’t have any more of your Fruity Pebbles and you get remote control access until 3:00 p.m.

Twenty-Five-Year-Olds and Onward

Offspring are a surprisingly untapped resource for jobs. Sit down with your little grown up. Explain your qualifications, your dedication and your nose-to-the-grindstone work ethic. Offer Fruity Pebbles privileges back.

And then plea.

Tags: children, humor, The Unemployed Life