Spending and Saving

Happiness on $10 a Day: Schadenfreude Comes Cheap

Heather Wagner’s witty new book, Happiness on $10 a Day (HarperCollins), explains how to find joy via inexpensive activities like puppy stalking and backyard bungee-jumping. Buy the book — or win a copy by retweeting this post OR by telling us in comments their cheap happiness tips. (Deadline for entry is Oct. 9.) We love this chapter on schaudenfeude–so easy to come by in recession!

“Schadenfruede” derives from the two German terms: Schaden (damage) and Freude (joy). The mighty do fall–and it is mightily fun to enjoy their descent.

Look Hotter Than Your Ex (FREE!)
Seeing a former flame in a bloated, tired, or sloppy state when you look fantastic is one of the fundamental sources of happiness in this world. The first part of this equation is strategic: by stealthily monitoring your ex’s online activity, you can pinpoint the party or public gathering likely to reunite you with Mister or Miss Utterly Heartless.

Once you’ve found the right event, plan to arrive at “prime time”—exactly one hour and fifty minutes after start time. This makes you look busy and fun, but not rude, calculated, or blasé. Step two is to look incredible. Even a week of going to the gym will improve your circulation and complexion, giving you that sought-after glow that no amount of bronzer can replicate. A new dress or outfit is good, the combination of a crash diet and too much hair product is not. Girls: don’t be afraid of a little cleavage, but don’t take it over the edge. Men: get a haircut. Seriously.

Stalk Your Successful Friend Online (FREE!)
Gore Vidal once said, “Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.” It’s a good thing he’s too old for the Internet. The ability to track someone’s ranking— whether it’s their height on the great Google totem pole, their number of Facebook friends, or their passion project’s progress on the Amazon charts—makes it nearly impossible not to become a sort of information-age fame voyeur. Do: take quiet satisfaction in their shifting fortunes. Do not: write a scathing review using a makeshift Yahoo address. That will not bring you happiness, only lingering e-guilt and brutal karmic payback once you attempt to do anything worthy of critical notice.

Amass Secrets as Social Capital (FREE!)
A good, juicy secret is immune to economic fluctuations. It never devalues. If you are the type of person frequently referred to as a confidant, good listener, or trusted friend, you can, over time, accrue a mother lode of secret admissions, which you can then use to enhance your own popularity. A married friend is a frequenter of gay escorts? A business associate is cooking the books? A sanctimonious motherly acquaintance has a nefarious habit? Precious gossip, all.  To get the maximum return on your investment, share the secret when demand is at its highest: a lull at a particularly stagnant cocktail party, a pregnant pause over coffee with an old friend, an obligatory work function such as office retreat or human resources conference. “I hear there’s trouble in paradise,” you might say, an oblique cliché that will only whet your audience’s appetite. “What do you mean?” they’ll implore. “Well, I really shouldn’t,” you say. “Please, we won’t tell a soul,” they’ll cry. Pause reflectively, lean in conspiratorially, take a breath, and give just . . . one . . . juicy . . . detail. Then, check your cell phone and say you have to run.

Focus on Imperfections–But Not Your Own (FREE!)
We all have a friend or two that seems to “have it all.” They glide through life, perhaps with the benefit of a mighty trust fund. At ease in their perfect skin, they charm everyone in their wake. Their relationships tend to be ones of sickening mutual adoration, their careers socially responsible and financially secure. They never fall victim to split ends, adult acne, bad breakups, hysterical crying jags, parking tickets, or the other indignities of modern life. The only way you can feel the slightest bit of happiness in their presence is during the brief occasions, perhaps after a Maldives cruise, when they pack on a few pounds. Seeing their new silhouette can be a moment of pleasure, giving you the chance to comment on how “healthy” they look. Augment this satisfaction by inviting them over for some soft imported cheeses, chocolate truffles, and scones with I Can’t Believe It’s Rich Creamy Butter.

Sabotage-and-Soda Happy Hour ($–$$)
So your obsequious, ass-kissy, self-promoting, Cc-everyone coworker got a promotion. While you’ve toiled away unnoticed during late nights and early morning presentations, they roll in, take credit for the well-received ideas, and cannily shift blame for the misfires. Inevitably, you are forced to go out for celebratory cocktails to toast their rapid ascent up the corporate ladder. There are three essential steps for basking in the joy of well-deserved sabotage. Prepare a backhand compliment speech. 1. Hoist a glass with a double-edged sentiment like, “For someone who never actually graduated from college, you have quite the noggin for business.” 2. Buy them a shot. Not a drink. Not a beer. A shot—preferably cheap and potent. 3. Encourage others to do the same. The employee in question will likely feel uncomfortable turning down such congenial gestures. Think how fun it will be to witness his or her increasingly inappropriate behavior. Even better will be the next morning, when you swill your cup of coffee and inquire, “Are you feeling OK? You were pretty out of it last night.”

Adventures in Amateur Hacking (FREE!)
We’ve all been directed to “jason-alisonwedding.com” to glean the location and ceremony details, only to be bludgeoned with long, self-serving descriptions of How They Met, perhaps augmented with video footage of the two of them walking through autumn foliage.

There will probably be a link to a registry and, in cases of extreme e-narcissism, an online poll where guests can help the lucky couple decide where their honeymoon should be. There is usually a “Comments” section, and that is where the real fun can be had. Disguise yourself with the subtly perceptible initials of a former flame of either bride or groom and simply write, “Why?” Or go to their online registry and secretly add a few weird or tasteless items.

Watch Karma Happen (FREE!)
Making light of a serious global financial crisis is not always funny. Making light of individuals who flaunted their personal material gain in troubling and tacky ways is. We’re pointing at you, Mr. Canary Yellow Stretch Hummer. And don’t think our generic gin gimlet–eyed gaze has missed you, Mr. Casually Mentions His Million-Dollar Bonus and Mr. I Eat Kobe Beef Like It’s Cracker Jack. Instead of, say, contributing to the culture, engaging in philanthropy, advancing the arts, or creating anything of value, these greedaholics used their sudden, staggering fortune to contribute to their coke stash, advance cataclysmic derivatives trades, and engage in horrific interior decorating. So, it’s totally fine to smile and feel a warm glow spreading throughout your insides as you imagine some of these “players” lining up for job fairs at the midtown Sheraton. What’s even more fun is to see their lifestyle—the bottle ser vice that starts at fifteen hundred dollars a night, the black AmEx, the logo fabric—collapse like a house of Louis Vuitton cards. But to fully savor this moment of well-deserved comeuppance, it’s all about the comments you make when you see them in their new, reduced-bling lifestyle. “You look great, man!” “It must be such a relief to be out of the rat race!”

Tags: books, giveaway, humor, spending