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Love in the Time of Layoff: Desperation Dating

Getting laid off in the throes of a recession is tough, but getting laid in a recession is, well, not.

It’s true: unemployment has done wonders for my dating life. Had I known it ten years ago, I would have surely done everything within my power to get canned. But like most women, I had rent to pay and dead-end jobs to contend with until I got kicked out of both places on the same day.

Now that I have all the time in the world to kill, there’s no end to the possibilities.

I’ve got a laptop and libido, what more do I need? Whether it’s online or on the streets of Boston, I’ve dated more men in the last six months that I have over the course of six years. Maybe it’s the fact that there are lotsa people out there with lotsa time on their hands. And because dating is so similar to the job search process they almost seem to go hand-in-hand (minus the alcohol). I toggle between Monster and Match with such frequency that I almost forget what I’m applying for in the middle of an email. Luckily, I haven’t sent a cover letter to a potential date…yet. Yes, it can be confusing, but also exciting. The number of men actively online in the middle of the day is astounding.

Lack of money led me to find surrogates who would treat me in ways that I thought I deserved, but couldn’t afford.

Dating while you’re unemployed presents unique challenges to the single female. For one, you’re not your usual discriminating self. You’re broke. You’re a little desperate. Your self-esteem is shot. I found myself more willing to experiment than I usually would. Because the work/life balance is askew and the hours of the day/night need to be filled up, I’ve responded to prospective male suitors as my less-than bitchy self—seeking a good time and a free meal. Unemployment distorted my reasoning ability. Somehow in my quest for finding a mate, I became less discerning, and paid a hefty price. Before, I was more interested in the long-term potential of an online candidate. Now I began to ask, “Are you buying?”

Mr. tall, dark and handsome seemed harmless enough. We met doing yoga. With a long black ponytail shimmying down his spine, he came across as edgy but artsy, wild but gentle. He also drove a Porsche, owned a splendid home and a boat. He didn’t seem to have a job—which should have been the definitive warning sign, except that in these topsy-turvy times, it didn’t seem as odd. We dated for a month before I discovered the clues to his coffers: money stuffed under the mattress, a gun, drugs. I was outta there.

X knew how to impress. He pursued me on a free online dating site—an omen that you get what you pay for. He lured me with an invitation for sushi and sake, an offer I can’t refuse. I was drawn further to his dashing good-looks, his charm and sexy confidence. He was drawn to my feet. As soon as we got into the car he removed my black sandals (which cost more than my weekly unemployment check allowed, by the way) and began to massage my toes in an erotic fashion that was, quite frankly, not arousing in the least. Had it not been March (nor the sandals so precious), I would have surely run out of the vehicle and into the brown snow.

Meanwhile, the job search was progressing – or not progressing, as the case was. I had sent out over 100 cover letters and resumes, with clips, and had received 1 response. Zero interviews. Zero job offers.

Then, I met the last guy in my spree. He was smart, charming and funny – and paid for each fancy cocktail. Oh he was smooth all right. After hours of deep conversations about his most intimate fears and vulnerabilities, we did the deed – after which I learned that I was number, oh, say, 301 on his list of conquests. That was when the wake-up call occurred: he had showered me with all the praise and attention a non-working gal could ask for, and I still blame myself for falling hook-line-and-sinker when I can usually spot a player from a mile away. But I failed miserably on this one.

In some subverted way, I was seeking the company of men because I wasn’t able to feel good about myself alone and jobless. Lack of money led me to find surrogates who would treat me in ways that I thought I deserved, but couldn’t afford. Somewhere along the line, I realized that my values were misaligned with my true desire for a stable partner and I was drawing more negativity to me as a result.

Staying positive in the dating/job search process is a challenge that I struggle with daily. By far the most difficult aspect of both is dealing with rejection. In both cases, I was reacting to the market. With each date and failed interview, I was getting increasingly let down. Instead of clearly delineating what my goals were and outlining a path to get there, I was settling for whatever response my subtle pleas were generating. What I’ve learned is that I perpetuated the vicious cycle by not clearly defining what I was truly seeking. Still, I persist—but now with more rigor and emotional armor. I’m learning that if you can feed your own body and soul, discover what your true needs and desires are, you will grow stronger and more confident, which will help you with both your professional and personal life.

Tags: boyfriends, dating, Love in the Time of Layoff, relationships