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Love in the Time of Layoff: Sugar Mama Days
“Let’s stop and get some bakery,” he said. I closed the refrigerator, leaving behind the eggs and fruit we might have eaten. We got in my car and drove to the roadside cafe.
I ordered a blueberry muffin; he ordered a cheese-filled croissant. The total was $6. I paid.
He hadn’t even made a move for his wallet. And it wasn’t the first time.
Six months ago, I was laid off from a job I loved and a salary I really, really loved (you would, too). I left with a nice little pile of severance and had accumulated a substantial 401K. My savings were okay, too. But I was single. It makes a difference, it turns out.
Dating, for a period post-layoff, was about free entertainment: Fancy drinks, fancy restaurants—an excuse to wear fancy clothes.
I spent my severance like a paycheck, and began to collect unemployment, land some freelance here and there—but at some point, I knew I’d have to hit the savings.
If I was on the other side of the equation, wouldn’t I be expecting the same from the man I was dating? Yes.
When I met Sugar Boy, he was very clear: He was a dog-walker; he was a painter. There were no mysteries. He didn’t try to pass himself off like some Master of the Universe or even a law firm associate. He was poor; he probably even said so.
But Sugar Boy was smart and charming; his fingers were long and strong; and he told stories about the scruffy mutts he tended to every day. Before long, we had a wordsmith’s inside jokes. I had sort of melted.
Soon enough, my savings were melting, too. I was crazy about him, but not about paying for everything: for meals we cooked together; for at least my half of meals out; for transportation…ugh, I was hating it.
Did it make sense for me to pay so much? If I was on the other side of the equation, wouldn’t I be expecting the same from the man I was dating? Yes—at least that much. I admit that I may have been influenced by my reading of the Rules, but it’s simply a fact that a key element of the mating ritual is figuring out the dynamic that will take you into deeper stages of your relationship. For me, a good match was a man who wanted to be a provider; someone to take care of me and a potential future family. In the dating stages, I needed to see some evidence of this. It was no mystery to me that I was not interested in being the Money Honey for the duration.
Sugar Boy crossed himself off the long-term mating list with his lack of ambition for the Protector role, but I still had to think about the short-term: Did I want to spend time with him enough until the other man came along that I was willing to dip into my savings for it?
I still don’t know. I paid for the bakery that day without a peep and he left the remnants of his breakfast in my car. Days later, when I wondered what the smell of decaying was, I found a crumpled ball of paper wrapped around a mostly-eaten cheese-filled croissant. The cheese had soured. And, sadly, so had I.
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6 comments for “Love in the Time of Layoff: Sugar Mama Days”
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Hilarious in a recessionary way. I like to share what I have with my friends, but I don’t like feeling like I have to share in order to have a friend.
if you want dog walker companionship, have dog walker companionship. if you want a provider, put yourself in the appropriate situation to meet a provider. some people would give a lot to find the connection you are about to dismiss due to lack of material ambition (though i certainly don’t blame you). you should have what you want as long as you are willing to admit to what that is.
none of the people i’ve ever dated have had any inkling about my seven figure salary for a reason. my ideal vision of a mate is built on mutual responsibility for all things material, emotional, and otherwise…
I think you’ve answered your own question. You need to dump this loser, ASAP.
Well that give a bad name to masculine sex, I wouldn’t do that to a woman…hahahaha such lifer…like it is that wuss needs to go to college and get a career, I think this world is full of those APE type men( I don’t believe in evolution by the way) ladies needs to understand that a jerk is a jerk no matter how well you girls dress it, the bad smelling jerky odor will come out.
WOW! guys don’t you think you have been unfair to the guy, the dog walker jut a little bit?
I am in my 50s and going for my master and can barely make it financially. I cannot work due to the intensity of the program that I am in.
Would I be considered a loser if I found a nice lady who is helping me with some of my bills while I am going to school?
This woman would be treated like a queen.
I was intrigued by your article. I have a similarish situation. I am in love with a worker by day/artist by night and although he has more of a stable job and $$ than a dog walker it is certainly under the level that makes life with him 100% comfortable after I lost my job 4 months ago. (i made more $$$)
From what is expressed in this story it sounds like you have an immature and insensitive person on your hands and probably, judging by the date of this article, you have gotten rid of him.
There is a difference between someone who does not have money (but might one day!) and someone who is not committed to making life better for you and him.
It is hard to be unsure of the financial future but I have spent my life looking for someone who loves me as I am, laughs at the same jokes, and always knows what to say to make me feel better and loved. And if you listen to what all the golden oldies says…that is worth more than anything else….
So maybe I have to wait a bit longer for all the dreams that come with money but i know on the other side we will get to laugh about the times the 2 of us struggled.
I feel if the love is there, you will miss it. And if he was just a fun flash in the pan you will move on to better companionship.