The Working World
6 Things You Shouldn’t Say to the Newly Laid-off
When she was laid off from the job she loved at a media company last fall, one marketing executive went for drinks with her friends to drown her sorrows and find a little solace. She and three-quarters of her department had been fired — and on top of that, she had just signed a lease renewal, including a rent increase, on her Manhattan apartment.
“Don’t you have six months of rent saved?” asked one seemingly well-intentioned friend. The marketing executive nearly fell off her bar stool.
In the hours after a friend or family member is laid off, the last thing they need is an inquiry, as well-meaning as it may be, says Lora Sasiela, a New Jersey-based social worker focused on career issues.
“Consider how your loved one endured a crisis before. What helped or did not at that time? Use your history with them as a benchmark for how to support them now, listening carefully above all.”
With this in mind, certain topics and catchphrases never seem to help the freshly fired. Force these into early retirement!
“God has other plans for you”
Brett Weller’s parents said this after he was fired from his manufacturing job in Philadelphia in late 2008, allegedly “for swearing.” He called his parents to laugh about the situation. Instead, they got all religious – simply reminding Weller of how his near-atheism, and now joblessness, distanced him from his family.
“It’s probably for the best”
We’ve heard tales of job-losers’ parents saying “Now you have time to find a boyfriend,” or spouses asking “So when do we foreclose?” Don’t do it.
For Teri Slick — assistant dean at the college of informatics at Northern Kentucky University until June 30 – the comments have been sweeter, along the lines of “something better will come of this,” and “it’s probably for the best.” But it’s still not much help.
Jamie Showkeir, co-author of Authentic Conversations and an organizational consultant, explains that instant, optimistic responses are “a kind of manipulation.” “Statements like ‘Don’t worry you’re a talented person,’ or ‘It’s probably for the best,’ ignore a real need that a person will have in the face of a job loss to grieve and let go of their old professional identity” he says.
Instead, try neutral empathic statements like: “It really must be difficult to face this situation. I know how much you care about your work.”
“Those bastards”
Leave this talk in South Park. Surprisingly, it won’t help to bash a friend’s former employer the moment they’ve been laid off, says Wendy Kaufman, CEO of executive training firm Balancing Life’s Issues in New York. “We have a tendency to say ‘That stupid company!’ Or ‘That stupid boss, they’re all idiots,’ in a kind of sympathetic anger when a loved one loses their job. But going to an insulting negative place about an employer they may have loved at one point can backfire, and cause both self-pitying and anger.”
“What happened? What did you do?”
Gail Golden, a management consultant at RHR in Chicago, cautions strongly against asking questions that in any way imply a friend or loved one is to blame for their job loss. Statements like “What happened,” “What did you do” or “Why didn’t you…” are socially inappropriate and defensive she says.
“When we hear about someone losing a job, and they are close to us, we will subconsciously think something like ‘if it happened to them it could happen to me.’ “ Golden explains, “The temptation is to relieve ourselves of this anxiety by saying something that implies we’re better than they are, even if it is subtly with a question.”
“I know just how you feel”
Do not say this. It’s basically a self-centered statement.
“Everyone is having very different reactions to what is going on in this recession right now,” says Balancing Life’s Issues’ Kaufman. Adds Golden, “Talking about your own predicaments can add to a person’s stress – now you expect them to listen to and feel sorry for you!” There is a time and place for sharing your stories – later on.
“You should apply to grad school!”
Giving advice right away to someone newly unemployed is the equivalent of sitting a widow down to look at Match.com. Give them time to grieve their loss, several management psychologists suggest.
Specifically, eliminate phrases that contain the words Should, Always, Never or Must, from your empathic vocabulary says Dr. Wendy Kaufman, because each of these words implies a concept of the teller being better than the listener.
If your friend does ask for advice, consider telling them you can talk about all that when they’ve had time to process.
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11 comments for “6 Things You Shouldn’t Say to the Newly Laid-off”
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This is a worthwhile topic, but I have to nit-pick some of the suggestions.
When I was laid off from my first job after college, my friend’s mother told me it would all be for the best. And though I’m certainly not the kind of person who believes things always turn out for that way, there was something comforting about it. And I have to admit, in retrospect, it DID turn out for the best (so far.)
I agree you have to be tactful, and some people need to grieve, but I think most want to take a day or two to get over the shock and hit the ground running. In which cases, most of the comments are appropriate.
And to not curse out the old employer … I think that’s pretty standard, and most people do appreciate.
So instead of not what to say… how about 6 things we could say to comfort them… any ideas?
Diana:
How about “You may not see it now, but you’re going to get through this”.
OR
“I’ve been there myself and I know how hard this is…if you ever want to just talk…let me know”
OR
“What are you doing Tuesday night? I’m making meatloaf and mashed potatoes and coming over to eat with you”.
OR
“I have a friend ‘X’ in your field I could contact, they might not be hiring, but they could know of networking contacts”.
OR
“If you need help with updating your resume, interviewing roleplay, strategizing, filing for welfare, foodstamps, Medicaid…..I’d be glad to help.”
“What are you doing for lunch tomorrow? I’ll meet you at X….my treat”
See Diana…it’s not so tough if you think about it.
This is a terrific piece which is relevant to how we should and shouldn’t approach anyone who has experienced any type of trauma or serious disappointment, not just losing a job.
Beneath many of these types of comments is an arrogance (the speaker immediately knows what the person who’s lost her/his job needs) and a desire to silence the other person’s pain, hurt, fear, anger, whatever.
I have one to add, that I heard from my well-meaning husband, parents, in-laws, friends, and even former co-workers: “Oh, you’re so talented, you won’t have any problem finding another job!” That was over 5 months ago, and now I feel like a talentless jerk who’s disappointed all of them by not finding work right away (even though realistically I know it’s mostly the economy).
To echo Laura Y’s comments, I know at least a dozen VERY talented people who have been out of work for 4+ months (this is here in Calif. where our unemployment rate is above 10%). Don’t give up, Laura. It IS the economy, not a reflection on you or your skills.
Ditto, Laura and Target. I even said it to myself – I knew so many people and had the best contacts. That was over a year ago (non-profits were the first to feel the crunch). I went through severe depression but I now feel positive that the economy will turn around and I will come out okay. Right?
uh…well, what SHOULD you say. You’ve kinda offered every obvious response as bad.
Recently upon chatting with a family member who asked how my job search has been going (which has been an unsuccessful search for nearing 6 months now) made a terribly harsh comment that blames me for not finding a job in this economy. Since I have been looking and applying steadily for nearly have a year now I’ve become kind of sensitive about my job search status. So another thing not to say is “the longer you don’t work the longer and least likely you will be hired”!
I’m really enjoying the discussion about this piece! Thank you all for your readership and thoughtful responses.
@Diana + @Olivia — about what one could say to a loved one recently laid off…
The two major ones we included in the story above, just to recap, were:
1) “Neutral empathic statements like: ‘It really must be difficult to face this situation. I know how much you care about your work.’”
2) An offer to talk about it again later, if they want, after they’ve had some time to process it all!
The main thing I heard from all of the expert sources I had the privilege to interview was to let your loved one / friend / former colleague (whoever just got the bad news) know that you are here to listen to them today, and you will be available to them again later — to talk about their issues, or just hang out.
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