News
Second Careers for Failed C.E.O.s
Everyone is slamming C.E.O.s for their incompetence and excessive spending (conveniently forgetting that two years ago we didn’t care as long as we were making money, too). These guys don’t need to be judged—they need sympathy, understanding, and most of all, job advice.
After all, chief executives are getting laid off too—at the average rate of six per day in 2008. So we thought we’d suggest second careers for some of the Recession’s fallen corporate heroes, specially tailored to their tastes and talents.
Jimmy Cayne: Pot Dealer
In late 2007, a Wall Street Journal story claimed that while his company was going into meltdown mode, the C.E.O. of Bear Stearns was busy golfing, generally being M.I.A., and smoking doobies. He denied the reefer business, but that didn’t keep Bear from going under last March. We suggest he try his hand on the other kind of street. Sure, Freakonomist Steven Levitt famously pointed out that drug dealers tend to live with their moms because they make so little profit, but that would be fitting, too.
John Thain: Interior Designer John Thain spent $1.2 million to redesign his office in the year Merrill Lynch had to be rescued by Bank of America. That included $800,000 for Obama interior designer Michael Smith, $87,000 for an area rug, and $11,000 for fabric for a roman shade— making Dennis Kozlowski look like a penny pincher. PayScale.com says starting designers make around $32K. But given Thain’s connections, tastes, and comfort with overcharging for his services, we suspect the ousted exec could do better.
Angelo Mozilo: Tanning Bed SalesmanWe know the ex-C.E.O of failed mortgage lender Countrywide Financial is good at selling—from 2004 to 2008, he cashed out of nearly $470 million in stock—and the most notable thing about him these days is his tan. Why not work that to his advantage? Tip: Friends of Angelo get extra UV.
Dick Fuld: Professional BoxerThe story about the former Lehman Bros. C.E.O. getting socked at the company gym turned out not to be true. No matter—there are three good reasons for him to get into the ring: He didn’t get severance after being canned in November, plenty of people would be willing to pay to see him get whaled on, and he’s practiced at protecting his ass…ets.
Chuck Prince: Dance InstructorIn July 2007, the Citigroup C.E.O. told the Financial Times that he wasn’t worried about a liquidity problem in the private equity market. “As long as the music is playing, you’ve got to get up and dance,” Prince said. “We’re still dancing.” Four months later, he resigned. Perhaps he has a future in teaching other people moves, but here’s the catch: He can never turn the music off.
Alan Fishman: Demolition ExpertFishman was C.E.O of Washington Mutual for just 18 days—during which time there was a run on the bank that prompted the feds to shut it down. Then it came out that his contract gave him more than $6 million in severance. (He wisely said he wouldn’t take it.) But just think of the potential—the man doesn’t need explosives to blow things up! Just make him a sweet deal and let him stand in the building for a couple of weeks.
Tags: Discussion
6 comments for “Second Careers for Failed C.E.O.s”
Post a comment
Special Sections
LMAO..thats hilarious…john thain, interioir designer..wasnt he the one that spent 100k for his remodeling of this office bathroom…good job…god bless america if we have anymore of these morons!!!!
Great idea for Thain to be an interior designer. Reading about his taste in the re-design of his office makes you go, \huh!\ BTW – he had a $30,000 commode! He needed it to be close because he was so full of it!
Great idea about Thain being an interior designer! BTW – he had a $30,000 commode on a pedestal installed also. A true indication of how full of it he is!
Funny stuff – Thain as interior designer FTW!
For real though, hats off to Alan Fishman for declining the $6mm severance. Almost should disqualify him from being on this list, but impossible to resist the 18-day tenure.
I wonder if the executive search firm who placed him at WaMu also waived their fee.
Your Photoshop skill are like mine English on this comment.
A lot of women — and working mothers, probably — lost their banking jobs because of these characters. So how about making some progress on the work-life balance front and forcing them into doula training programs?