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Love in the Time of Layoff: Two’s a Crowd
Last month, I was part of a dynamic duo excited about the prospect of upgrading to a two-bedroom apartment in Park Slope or Hudson Heights where I could have a little more space in which to write and we could start our family. But now, with my husband Marco newly laid off, I’m insta-primary breadwinner.
And here’s the thing. I am a card-carrying, credentialed feminist. I’m equipped to earn, and I do. So it freaks me out, a little, that I’m so freaked out about this sudden shift in our roles.
As someone who writes largely about gender and politics, my mind reels. I become newly obsessed with this topic of gender shakeup in the wake of layoff—not just our own, but the stories I read in the newspaper about the changing American family dynamics. What happens to the discussion about work/life balance when our partners get laid off or, for increasing numbers of us, there is simply not enough work to go around? What happens to the roles men and women play in relationships that are comfy with both partners working, when someone unexpectedly gets the slip?
The other night Marco and I got into our first layoff snarl. It was Day 2 of his official unemployment, and I’m a freelancer who works from home. Earlier that day, we were making business calls in separate rooms. When I caught him lying down on the bed for a moment, I panicked. Stupidly. Out loud.
“What are you doing? Hey there, are you okay?” I called out, holding my palm over my cell so my colleague wouldn’t hear. And he was. Marco was fine. It was me who wasn’t okay: Now that I’m faced with it, I realize I’m not as comfortable with a full-on reversal of gender roles. Maybe I’m more similar than I think to the women who married investment bankers and now that they’re laid off are thinking, “This isn’t what I signed on for.” Shudder. Gasp.
Marco, on the other hand, is faring well. He’s been here before, having been laid off during the waning of the tech bubble and in the shadow of 9/11. He’s pretty Zen about it all. While I was off doing yoga this weekend and trying to remember how to breathe, he was home being productive. He posted a lot on his blog at Salon’s open group blog, but he also replaced the burnt-out light bulbs in the bedroom, cleaned the kitchen and started pulling together his portfolio.
This morning before heading out to the new firm where he’s temporarily freelancing this week, he kissed me goodbye wearing his black beret. He rarely wears that beret. It’s from his art school days.
“I’m feeling kinda hipster and jazzy today,” he says, smiling. And with that, he’s out the door, liberated in some way, perhaps, by the prospect of a future unknown.
Deborah Siegel is the author of Sisterhood, Interrupted: From Radical Women to Grrls Gone Wild and creator of the group blog Girl w/Pen.
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5 comments for “Love in the Time of Layoff: Two’s a Crowd”
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I love your writing, your honesty, your willingness to explore your feelings and put it out there. Thanks…
Very nice piece, Deborah, as always. Especially in times like this, being honest in the ways you are is really important. If everyone simply puts out messages like “I’m fine, we’re fine, we’ve got it all together,” all it does is leave people feeling more alone because they are NOT fine but are inevitably going through waves of emotion, not all of them smooth and pretty.
In terms of genuinely being at peace with nontraditional gender roles or anything else nontraditional, I believe that’s not as true for many of us as we’d like to believe. Whether we’re in a recession, in a crisis period like 9/11 and after, or a supposedly more “normal” time, who among us has grown up in an authentically feminist world where nontraditional roles are the norm?
Most of us have had a very heavy exposure to the traditional norms, values, and biases of our culture. So of course those norms, values, and biases are still in us to some degree–even if we’ve made conscious and determined efforts to change and to live in a different way.
Hysterical and true and painful. It’s easy to hold onto a philosophy when it’s not being tested, but bring on the test and… woosh… sometimes. Thanks for your honesty. Let his liberation help you with yours!
Thank you, PursePundit, Bob, and Jen, for your wonderful comments! Your feedback and kind words keep me going. Stay tuned.
[...] do, I’d be a slightly happier recessionista these days. In the meantime, new installment (“Love in the Time of Layoff”) from me over there coming on [...]